There are several people that I hold responsible for my having finally decided to start a blog! You know who you are 😉 Thank you for the encouragement. If I say anything controversial, a definite possibility at some point, then you can share the blame with me! I’m very generous like that 🙂
What not to say to People
Over the last few years, I’ve often joked about wanting to write a book called, “What not to say to people.” I have plenty of my own examples but as others began to share their stories with me, I quickly realised that such an endeavour would need to be an encyclopaedia, with at least several volumes! “What not to say to people” is never going to be the same for everyone, I can only share from my own experience and from having walked alongside others (see the “About me” page for more information on my experience.) I hope to get feedback in the comments and to continue to learn from others. At times, I will ask questions without necessarily having the answers. I’m not afraid of that. I prefer to ask a good question than to impose an answer. The problem with platitudes is that that’s often what they do, impose an unsatisfactory answer on the person who’s daring to question life or to be in pain. Such platitudes are likely to cause a deep sense of hurt, to bring guilt, anger and a feeling of being misunderstood. It is not wrong to ask questions, and it is not wrong to grieve those aspects of our lives which are not how we would have chosen them to be.
What are Platitudes?
In the context of this blog, I consider platitudes to be sayings or comments that are often overused, said without thought, usually well-meaning and often insensitive. Such comments are made to those that are facing difficult or painful life experiences, in an attempt to encourage them or to get them to “snap out of it.” Personally when I’ve had platitudes used to me, a fairly regular occurrence in recent years, it feels as if my emotions are being trampled on. Platitudes prevent an authentic encounter from taking place since the one uttering them is not engaging with where the recipient is at. A platitude is like a full stop. It’s a closed door. The speaker may not have intentionally closed the door, but the listener will likely perceive it as such. It’s certainly not an invitation to share or an offer to provide the wonderful gift of listening.
Some examples of platitudes are:
To a girl whose boyfriend has just broken up with her: ‘There are plenty more fish in the sea.’
To a woman trying to get pregnant: ‘That will happen when it’s meant to.’
To a woman who’s suffered a miscarriage: ‘It obviously wasn’t meant to be.’
To someone who’s been diagnosed with a serious illness: ‘Everything happens for a reason.’
To a recently bereaved spouse: ‘Time heals all wounds.’
The problem with these platitudes, apart from the fact that they are incredibly insensitive, is that because they are trite, well known sayings, the person may receive the same response on numerous occasions. When we stop using platitudes and demonstrate that we are prepared to engage with others and to listen, then we open the door for authentic connections to take place.
Moving Forwards
If you realise you’ve said such platitudes to another, the intention of this blog is not to make you feel guilty. If you realise that you’ve said such comments to me, then I forgive you. Please don’t waste time worrying about it! The best gift that you can give me is to process that knowledge and make the necessary changes for all future interactions. I too have sometimes said things that in hindsight I wish I had not said. We can only move forwards. The important thing about mistakes is to learn from them and if you can learn from other people’s mistakes, rather than having to go through the pain of making them yourself, then even better! I hope that this blog will encourage those who’ve been hurt by platitudes and help us all to reconsider how to respond to each other. Life is challenging enough without making it even more challenging for those that we interact with.
I have heard many of these platitudes over the years, especially as my health and mobility worsen as the years go by. The most annoying of which is mainly used by GPs!! I find that i don’t go to see the doctor as often as i should because of that reason. Instead i suffer in silence with my pain and frustration. Phrases like……”get more exercise” when i am unable to walk without dislocating my joints or falling over, “stay positive, it makes the pain go away” when i am always trying to be positive. You would think doctors would not say these things.
Carol, that’s terrible that drs would say those things! It’s not the first time that I’ve heard stories like yours and I find it incredibly sad that anyone would feel unable to visit the dr when needed because of such comments. I wish we could get some of those drs to read this blog! I’d love for you to check in more. You have a lot of experience to offer on this topic.
Hi Rach, we’ve had many chats about this and I’m really glad to see you start a blog. I think as human beings we find it difficult to really connect with each other when someone is truly hurting. I believe to come along side and just listen is the most important thing. It is hard to see someone you care for crying, scared, hurting. We’ve all heard the platitudes and it can be easy to think this is the best thing to say as its a common/ socially acceptable response. It’s also very common in Church circles too. I challenge readers to stop and think before saying something glib, perhaps just acknowledged the situation is hard and offer or listen and pray next time.
Carol: consider this one Dr whose listening xx
Hi Ems. I agree. To truly listen is to offer a precious gift. We often think that that isn’t enough and don’t appreciate how much it can mean to those that are going through a rough time. My experience is that we’re often more likely to hear platitudes from Christians, but more on that in future posts 😉
Carol, it’s such a shame that you don’t live in Wales. Emma would be a wonderful GP for you!
Ems…. Thankyou. Rach….. I can relate personally to Christians and platitudes, so will look forward to hearing your opinion on that when you write about it. I have a Christian faith, that i practise faithfully, but am often astounded by what people say when i attend a service. Bearing in mind that i am in my wheelchair with metal calipers on both legs, the most common comment is that i will soon feel better or that there are people worse than me. I know there are people worse than me, but that doesnt stop my situation being real and severe for me. Urm, it may have escaped peoples attention that i will most likely not be able to walk more than half a dozen steps. I tend to just smile, nod and turn away. Don’t get me wrong, i am a happy person and am comfortable with my dis/abilities. I accept the way my life will be and am thankful that i have a husband and two wonderful children as well as my family.
Sorry for rabbiting Rach, but i finally feel that i can speak my mind to others that understand the way i feel. I prayed to God today to thank him for bringing you into my life, i knew you were special when we were at school but now i know why!
Thank you Carol, that’s so sweet 🙂 Yes, us “platitude survivors” need to let off steam every now and then 😉 It’s exhausting work surviving so many platitudes!
Hi Rachel, I might have read this post a few times by now. This one is has touched my heart so deeply. More so because I could relate a lot to it. Also, you’ve explained in great detail what it really is from the speaker’s perspective as well as the impact it has upon the listener. Only someone who’s experienced it from the listener’s side would be able to understand the depth of hurt it brings, right? What I really admire about you is how gracefully you handle platitudes, how you forgive and move forward and how you acknowledge the things you might have said as well! This is such a great inspiration and please know that it’s so much appreciated that you shared this! God Bless you! It’s so nice to get to know you more from your posts.
So great to connect with you Aish. I’m moved to know that this post has touched you so deeply and that you relate to so much of the content. I certainly do my best to handle platitudes with grace, but sometimes I find myself thinking of some “great” responses that I’d like to give! Part of that is finding something to laugh about in the midst of the hurt though. Perhaps I needed six years of all that I’ve learnt, wrestled with and processed through this infertility journey, before I could even think about writing about some of these topics. It really is a rollercoaster isn’t it? I look forward to getting to know you better.
I also have MS and my own hatred of–and wounds by–platitudes started when I had my first MS attack 18 years ago. I’ve been through some other trying times since then (including miscarriage and most recently, loss of a parent) and while I’m better equipped to handle them at this phase of my life, there are times when they still sting. I was grateful to find your blog (while looking for good blog posts on the topic) and look forward to reading more. Thank you!