Withdrawing
One of the ways that many survive the platitudes is to withdraw from them, or rather from anyone who might be likely to use them. I know because of the conversations that I’ve had with some of these people and because of the friendships that have formed. When those who are going through a rough time see another person living with adversity and realise that they’re safe from platitudes, it’s amazing how many stories come out. Our churches, workplaces and families have people who are not sharing their suffering because they’ve had enough of the insensitive responses. At times, withdrawing becomes a necessary form of self-preservation.
My own Withdrawing
Those that know me will know that I’ve been fairly open about my experience with Multiple Sclerosis. To be honest, it wasn’t something that I could easily have kept secret, an episode in which one can’t walk, with a 10 day hospital admission, is fairly hard to hide! However, Multiple Sclerosis is not the most painful health issue that I have in my life at the moment. For the last six years, my husband and I have been going through infertility. I am blessed to have close, supportive friends who I’ve been able to share with during that time. For that, I’m thankful. Nevertheless, it’s not something that I’ve been open about generally. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed about going through infertility. I don’t consider myself less a woman, or my husband less a man because we’ve been unable to have children. My only reason for not being more open is that I’ve struggled to deal with the platitudes, with the imposed answers as to why I’m not getting pregnant and with the advice as to what I should be doing. Of course, as I’ve discovered, the least sensitive people will not wait for me to bring the topic up but will start the comments and questions anyway!
For the last six years, I’ve been scared of showing any interest in, or even standing close to, a baby or young child in public because my experience has shown that such behaviour usually brings forth an instant interrogation as to my own lack of offspring. Sometimes, on the rare occasion when I do end up with a baby in my arms, I want to shout at people, “Leave me alone and let me enjoy this moment!” And I want to tell people how pointless it is to ask, “When are you going to have children?” As if it were as simple as just ordering them from a catalogue.
Choosing to Speak Up
For a while I’ve found myself thinking, “Someone needs to talk about this. If it’s never talked about, then people will never learn.” And so, here I am, eventually starting to write about it. This blog is an exciting and yet scary venture for me. I’m excited because I love writing and have things to say. I look forward to hearing from others and sharing experiences. I’m scared because I may be opening myself up to more platitudes, more judgement and more unwarranted advice. But there comes a time when in order to survive, withdrawing doesn’t seem the best option anymore, it becomes necessary to speak, necessary for a vulnerable authenticity. I also want to speak on behalf of those that have trusted their pain to me, to validate that pain by giving it a voice. If my journey and questions can resonate with another and encourage in any way, or help others to reconsider their use of platitudes, then I will consider it worth- while.
Rachel, I’m so thrilled to see you put your words into a blog. Thank you for being so open, honest and vulnerable as you share more widely the struggles that you face. It’s wonderful to see the times of joy too. My prayer is that this blog will help individuals to face platitudes with strength and courage, that others will be challenged to think about how they respond and show care to those in tough situations and that you will be blessed and encouraged as you seek to be an encouragement to others. Looking forward to reading more 🙂
Thank you for your encouragement Sarah. 🙂 I have many more ideas for posts already, so watch this space!
Hi, Rachel. Thanks for sharing your blog! I find your subjects interesting and sensitive and will be looking forward to reading more. I appreciate the calm, reflective and gracious tone of your writing. At some point, I wonder if you could address the hypothetical (though in this case, it’s a real woman I know in our church) person who desperately wants to encourage people who’re suffering but who has been scared into complete silence by hearing others talk angrily about the well-intentioned supposed-to-be-comforting platitudes they heard during a difficult time. Is it possible to interact verbally in an encouraging way with someone who is suffering? I’m interested in this question for myself, too, and not just for my friend at church.
Thanks Jody 🙂 Yes I do plan to write posts about those issues too. It’s not enough to merely give people a long list of things not to say and not give them any guidance as to what might be helpful. I have several ideas for posts about that, so watch this space!
‘to validate that pain by giving it a voice.’
That is all we want to do. But many on hearing the fact of pain immediately rush to invalidate it or fix it, even with platitudes. I admit that I have tried to fill the silence after hearing a valid voice of pain, sometimes and then, hearing what I’ve just said, thought, ‘oh for goodness sake Judith, you didn’t need to even do that, and it is worse now that you did!’
I am really, truly sorry when I do, and yet was really, truly angry once when I got a lecture of platitudes from someone who did just the same thing, on the basis of my grief stricken face…I hadn’t said a word to her. Your blog is a huge breath of fresh air.
Yes that pressure to fill the silence is often so strong!
As a therapist I know that often when people are going through a difficult time or have difficult issues in their life then then it is often not advice they seek or require and it certainly isn’t something pseudo-profound. Sometimes people think it’s better to say something than nothing but when that something makes the other person feel less understood then that’s not a good thing. The keeping and building of rapport with someone is something that can help. We all have a need to feel as though we are understood. Rapport is simply that feeling of being understood by someone else. Platitudes are rapport breakers. When used they will often diminish or minimise an issue which is very real and very apparent for someone. The use of platitudes can make that person feel less understood and rapport breaks down very quickly and very suddenly. This is not a nice feeling for the person absorbing the platitude. No wonder people avoid situations where the other person may break rapport with them in such a sudden way at any moment. Your website and words are the opposite of what happens when rapport is broken because people who who have had platitudes enforced upon them will feel understood when reflecting on your writings. This can only be a good thing.
Thanks Mark and thanks for helping me sort the technical side of this blogging out! The site is still purple but it looks so much better now 🙂 It’s the wriiing bit that I like 🙂 I like the phrase “Platitudes are rapport breakers” How true that is..
I have been very guilty about withdrawing from people. Im in my late 30’s and have been unofficially diagnosed with autism and/or aspergers. I should go back to the doctors to press for an official diagnosis, but wont because i know what platitudes the doctors come out with….. you will snap out of it soon, stop being silly and so on. I have lived my whole life feeling as though i dont belong to the world because i dont know how to make friends, i dont like being touched, my daily life has to be planned out and stuck to. As much as i love my mum, i also feel as though i cant talk to her about my health. I am also physically disabled and in a wheelchair, but she will say things like…. still you will shake it off soon and be back on your feet. I wont be. I know my mum loves me and doesnt mean it the way it sounds, but it still makes you feel as though you cant turn to that person. Thanks Rach for being you and thanks Mark for your comment xx
Rachel thank you so much for being brave enough and making yourself vulnerable so admire you for standing up to the unwanted platitudes xxx
Dear Lucy, the inspiration that you are to me and the precious moments of sharing and laughter that we’ve shared together, will be present in every post that I write. I sincerely mean that. I was so aware of both you and H as I wrote Xx
Rachel, this is wonderful! I love how you write and I look forward to reading more. I’ve known my share of platitudes in our journey with Lydia (daughter with heart transplant) and thankfully they mostly come from people that are not close to us.
Thank you for your encouragement Linda. I look forward to hearing your views as I continue to write on this topic.
Congrats on deciding to talk about infertility. It’s such a scary step, but I’m so glad I started talking about my own experience with it. I’m looking forward to following your blog from now on and learning more about your story.
Thanks Lisa. 🙂 This blog won’t only be about my journey with infertility, but that will certainly be a big part of it, as it’s played such a big part in my process of considering the whole area of suffering and how we respond to it. Great to have you here!
I’m so glad Bev pointed me toward your blog. We have dealt with infertility for 7 years, and I kept silent during many of them. It wasn’t until the last few years that I’ve started being open about it, mainly on my blog. I’ve received platitudes, but I’ve also realized that there are a lot of people who are hungry for someone to put words to suffering in ways that aren’t platitudes.
I heard someone say the other day that if our theology doesn’t work in cases like the Holocaust, with massive amount of children being gassed or burned, then we need to reevaluate it. And that’s the goal in moving passed platitudes, opening up our theology to make room for intense, seemingly meaningless and unending suffering. It’s a place where language can only help us so much, and more often that not it’s things like presence and time and care that can accomplish what our words can’t.
Hi Rebecca. I’m so glad that Bev pointed you here too. I loved what I’ve read so far on your blog. I relate to many things, dare I say it, even having thrown a book of a certain theological persuasion, across the room in absolute exasperation! Was that Gregory Boyd that made the comment about our theology and the Holocaust? He certainly refers to that in one of his books and in some blog posts. I agree. I like to take any “platitude” or theology to it’s logical, ultimate conclusion, as part of testing it out. I may well refer to that idea at some point here.. Yes, I think presence, time, hugs, practical help, all say so much that words often can’t.
I’m binging on your blog tonight, and I really appreciate your insightful exploration of the situations you are faced with in life. I’m a big believer in withdrawing the platitudes and being direct and honest, so your posts strike a chord with me. Dealing with infertility, I especially identified with this post, because I truly think that the more people talk about their struggle with trying to conceive, the less taboo it will become.
Thanks Molly. I agree that infertility is something that needs to be talked about more. It’s hard to do precisely because it does feel taboo. IF we want people to understand what it’s like and that platitudes are unhelpful, then we need to be talking about it though. Before I started writing this blog I remember thinking indignantly, “someone needs to talk about this!” So here I am talking about it! It’s so great to engage with others who are on the same journey. I’ll continue to check out your blog.